The Five Year Plan

More often than not lately I catch myself feeling not quite right. I feel a little... off. I recently went out with some "old friends". The things that they are worried about are so not what I am anymore. When I say "old friends" they are not from that long ago. They are some of the girls that I worked with at a job that I was at about a year and half ago, when my priorities were somewhere else, and I hadn't found a good balance yet. So now begins the struggle that I haven't really ever had to deal with, who am I?

Who am I?

I feel like I am torn between who I was and who I am and who I am going to be. Is this a struggle for everyone? Once I finished high school I made a deal with myself to always be confident in who I was. Always knowing what the next step would be and stick with the "Five Year Plan." I always had it lined out in my head what I wanted to be doing in five years. College, marriage, kids, job, kids, house, etc. I sure didn't think that God was going to throw a wrench in that plan by up and moving us out of state. That was NOT in the five year plan. Since it was a good opportunity for Doug; I can tweak the plan a little. We'll move. I'll get by for a year and pick up where I left off. I thought that when we moved back to KC I would be able to pick up where I left off. I could step back into those shoes and start right back where I was. The question is now, do I want to?

I'm not so worried about going back and pretty much starting over. I've already done that here in Hastings and I feel like once you've done it you can do it again. There is no fear there but there is a little worry about losing what I have come to love so much about who I have become at this point in my life. I'm sure about my walk with God, I'm more in love with my husband now than I think I was when we got married, and I'm sure that I absolutely love being a mom. Moving into this new phase of my life is going to upset that balance.

So what will I do? I sure can't sit and worry about it for two more months. Keeping this in mind I am going to lay it all out for the Lord to tell me what to do next. All I can hope for is that I chose the easy path, even though nothing is ever easy, and fully trust in Him to guide my steps.

Full to the Brim

So this weekend we traveled to Kansas City, which I'm sure some people know that we are in limbo here in Hastings and will be going back to Kansas City in a few months. This is a common trip for us but this wasn't the usual weekend back home.

Friday morning the women began to descended upon my house one car at a time. This all started about 8:00 and my dear husband just grinned and welcomed everyone in! At 8:00 in the morning! Remember we didn't get home until about midnight on Thursday! What a great guy!

So the reason for the invasion was to attend the Women of Faith Conference at the Sprint Center. I was baptized at our church in Raytown last year with my best boy, Tyler, and I feel like I am still a small child in my walk with God. Still trying to get my balance and understand what and how the Lord speaks to me. I have been waiting so long for this opprotunity. I couldn't wait to the conference and absorb all the wisdom these wonderful women, and a few men, were going to teach me!

The music was wonderful, we got to see the first performances of the year! Including Steven Curtis Chapman and you may remember Mandisa from American Idol. I can't wait to get their music off iTunes. There were great speakers from all walks of life and all ages. I am so appreciative for their openness about their lives and the way the Lord has worked in them. But the one thing that I keep hearing over and over from them is that God forgives and forgets. So why is it so hard to forgive ourselves? Why do we have to constantly struggle to let our past mistakes go?

So I prayed that I can just give these things over to him and let him take away all the pain and struggle that can go with these things. And you know when I left on Saturday afternoon I felt so wonderful! I was exhausted from head to toe and my brain felt like it was going to burst from all the thinking I did over the weekend but I felt refreshed! I felt as though God had touched my life in a way that I will never forget and I hoped that I could feel like this everyday. I felt like tomorrow was a new day and all I had to do was keep giving it over to God!

Last night when I we finally made it back to Hastings, of course I had to check my e-mail and my facebook and there my dear friend had posted how she was feeling. I feel like it said it all, "Only a relationship with God fills your life with peace...".

I have to agree with her on that and that I am to full to the brim too.